Satisfaction

About an hour ago, I put Mason to bed. George is out with his friends. And now... here I am.

Mason fell asleep quickly. I knew he was exhausted when we got through his bath without giggles and splashes as usual. He wasn't grumpy, just... tired. Usually I'm right there with him, so tired that I just go to sleep, but tonight, I was looking forward to having a couple hours to myself. I put him to bed, grabbed the baby monitor, and prepared for some alone time. I sat out on the porch, eating a bowl of ice cream. I did the crossword puzzle in the newspaper. I stared at the same page in my book for ten minutes. I listened to the rain.

I came back inside. Brushed my teeth, washed my face. I wandered around the apartment, thinking about cleaning up but not really feeling like it. There's nothing on TV. Now I'm watching a DVRed Oprah and listening to static on the baby monitor. Alone time just isn't so fun anymore. I feel like going in there and snuggling up with Mason and calling it a night.

There are days, like today, when I think about how I can't believe how much I've changed in three months. Never would I have been bored and ready for bed at 10 o'clock on a Friday night, but somehow, Mason has helped me do things I've never been capable of doing on my own. Most nights, I'm sleeping by 9:30.. and I never go out anymore (although sometimes I'd kill for a beer, don't get me wrong). But I'm satisfied for probably the first time in my life. I've spent so much time looking for the next big thrill, the next crazy thing I could do. I was never careful about anything - I was invincible; my life wasn't anything I'd call precious or fragile.

Now, because Mason stays on my mind no matter where I am or what I'm doing, things are different. He gave me the ability to care about someone else more than I could ever care about myself, and at the same time he made me want to take care of myself more than I ever have before. I can't sit out in the living room for ten minutes without wanting to run and check on him in the bedroom. I don't want to go out and do anything crazy because Mason needs to have me around. It's hard to explain, but he changed me from a selfish, reckless girl into someone I don't even recognize sometimes. I'm completely satisfied being boring. It's his fault. And I love him for it more than he'll probably ever understand.

After work tomorrow, it's my turn to go out and have a few drinks and spend a little time with some friends. I might. I might not. Either way, I know where my heart will be.