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Mason went with George this morning. It's only the second time they've seen each other in about 9 months. Mason did say he wanted to go, but I've been crying since three days ago. It sucks, sharing a kid. And it's not even like I have to do it that often. A couple times a year. One week, tops, out of the 52 weeks in a year. I'm sure it sucks for George even worse... it has to, because I know how much he loves Mason. It's just... Sometimes, when I get really frustrated and tired of doing everything by myself, I think, how nice must it be for some parents to be able to get a break once in awhile? And I think about all the things I'd do if I had an afternoon off... a day all to myself to do whatever I wanted. But now, here I sit. I've been kidless for three hours and I've done absolutely nothing but sit on the couch and cry or lay in bed and stare at the ceiling. Not only do I not know how to occupy myself for the afternoon (how fun is Candy Land, by yourself?) but I don't know how to occupy myself for the next five minutes without having a mental breakdown.

I guess it's pointless to sit around and wonder about how life would have turned out if you made different choices... but sometimes it's impossible not to think about. I think that, forever, I will wonder if I made the right decisions. Mason's a great kid and, at the very least, I'm fairly confident that I haven't screwed him up indefinitely, but the thoughts are always there and probably always will be. Maybe if George and I had been older and smarter and better equipped to deal with our problems, it could have worked out. Or maybe not. Maybe we were just not cut out to be together... but who really knows? The only thing I constantly hope is that Mase will never hold the decisions I made against me. That when he's 20, he won't look back and decide that I'm the one who screwed his life up. Because every decision I've made in the past 3.5 years has been with his best interest in mind.

All I know for sure is, next time Mason's gone for the weekend, I won't assign myself the task of cleaning out the basement and going through boxes that have been closed for the past 4-10 years. Ugh. Not a good idea.

Can tomorrow come any quicker? Please?