Oh, Mason.. I love you. I really do and I hope you never doubt that, even when I'm sitting in the corner rocking back and forth while contemplating the cheapest, fastest, closest-to-legal way to get my hands on some Zoloft. In case you wonder someday why Mommy's crazy, here are the top 10 reasons why:
10. "Mine". You know those kids you see running around grabbing toys from other kids, not sharing, greedily wanting everything for themselves? Yeah, I hated those kids and I was absolutely not going to have one of those kids. I mean, didn't their parents teach them to share? Before you could speak, I had this idea that I was going to bring you up in the ideal hippie, everybody-loving-everybody, caring, bubble world. Yeah, well, that was a bunch of elitist crap. "My truck, my slide, my dog, my purse, my toys, my sandwich, mine, mine, mine." Really? That's your 2010 Mustang driving down the street? I think not.
9. The Tornado Effect. In Mason Land, every puzzle, every book, every freaking nibbled-on crayon must be on the floor at all times and scattered around in disarray. Sometimes, I find myself wondering how much fun that would be, pulling everything off it's shelf and just laughing hysterically at the mess I've created. The answer: not fun at all. And ya know why? Because I'd have to clean it up. Do you clean it up? Nope. "Help me clean up your toys" is answered only with more laughter and more chaos.
8. Rubber Legs. A trip to the grocery store is dreaded by the both of us, trust me. But when I have to run in to get some milk, I don't have the luxury of collapsing into a puddle of baby, laying there all limp until I'm picked up and carried. I walk. You weigh thirty-one pounds and I haven't been to the gym in months. How 'bout you walk too?
10. "Mine". You know those kids you see running around grabbing toys from other kids, not sharing, greedily wanting everything for themselves? Yeah, I hated those kids and I was absolutely not going to have one of those kids. I mean, didn't their parents teach them to share? Before you could speak, I had this idea that I was going to bring you up in the ideal hippie, everybody-loving-everybody, caring, bubble world. Yeah, well, that was a bunch of elitist crap. "My truck, my slide, my dog, my purse, my toys, my sandwich, mine, mine, mine." Really? That's your 2010 Mustang driving down the street? I think not.
9. The Tornado Effect. In Mason Land, every puzzle, every book, every freaking nibbled-on crayon must be on the floor at all times and scattered around in disarray. Sometimes, I find myself wondering how much fun that would be, pulling everything off it's shelf and just laughing hysterically at the mess I've created. The answer: not fun at all. And ya know why? Because I'd have to clean it up. Do you clean it up? Nope. "Help me clean up your toys" is answered only with more laughter and more chaos.
8. Rubber Legs. A trip to the grocery store is dreaded by the both of us, trust me. But when I have to run in to get some milk, I don't have the luxury of collapsing into a puddle of baby, laying there all limp until I'm picked up and carried. I walk. You weigh thirty-one pounds and I haven't been to the gym in months. How 'bout you walk too?
7. Whiiiining. Oh man, the whining. You've known the sign language for water since you were 8 months old and you've known how to speak the actual word since 11 months, so why the need point at the Brita pitcher while grunting and squealing? I just don't get it. Isn't it easier to just say water? Heck, you even know how to say please. Don't your ears hurt, too?
6. Fun with Food. One day, baby carrots are the best food you've ever had and you'll eat twelve of them and still ask for more. The next day, you chew them up into mush and spit them into my hand. Apparently, it's also tons of fun to smear cream cheese all over your face and then cry because your hands are messy. I made your baby food from scratch, fed you only organic fresh crap, and now there are days when I'm thankful to see you eat three french fries for dinner.
5. Diaper Removal. For godsakes, keep it on. If you don't want to wear it, potty train. Grandma would have a bird if she knew how often you peed on her carpet (sorry, Mom).
4. 3AM Playtime. I don't know what prompts you to wake up in the wee hours of the night ready to play. I know that I'm a ton of fun and to be honest sometimes I can't wait 'til morning to hang out with myself either, but every once in awhile I need to get some sleep too. I don't want to rush time, but oh how I can't wait for your teenage years when I'll get to wake you up for school at 6AM while you yell at me to leave you alone. I daydream of waking you up for seventh grade by whining and crying and throwing toys at you while you try in vain to sleep through it all. Payback, baby.
3. Embarrassing moments. Screaming "Mommy poop!" while we're in the bathroom at a restaurant (I wasn't even pooping!). Grabbing a pair of my underwear out of my drawer without me knowing and dropping them on the floor in the middle of a crowded living room. Calling a random stranger "daddy". I could go on, but now I'm embarrassed.
2. Getting dressed. Oh how I miss the days when you laid there like a little lump while I calmly got you dressed in the morning. Somehow, our morning routine has turned into me frantically chasing you around the house with a pair of shorts while you crack up with one arm dangling through a shirt-sleeve and one shoe on the wrong foot.
6. Fun with Food. One day, baby carrots are the best food you've ever had and you'll eat twelve of them and still ask for more. The next day, you chew them up into mush and spit them into my hand. Apparently, it's also tons of fun to smear cream cheese all over your face and then cry because your hands are messy. I made your baby food from scratch, fed you only organic fresh crap, and now there are days when I'm thankful to see you eat three french fries for dinner.
5. Diaper Removal. For godsakes, keep it on. If you don't want to wear it, potty train. Grandma would have a bird if she knew how often you peed on her carpet (sorry, Mom).
4. 3AM Playtime. I don't know what prompts you to wake up in the wee hours of the night ready to play. I know that I'm a ton of fun and to be honest sometimes I can't wait 'til morning to hang out with myself either, but every once in awhile I need to get some sleep too. I don't want to rush time, but oh how I can't wait for your teenage years when I'll get to wake you up for school at 6AM while you yell at me to leave you alone. I daydream of waking you up for seventh grade by whining and crying and throwing toys at you while you try in vain to sleep through it all. Payback, baby.
3. Embarrassing moments. Screaming "Mommy poop!" while we're in the bathroom at a restaurant (I wasn't even pooping!). Grabbing a pair of my underwear out of my drawer without me knowing and dropping them on the floor in the middle of a crowded living room. Calling a random stranger "daddy". I could go on, but now I'm embarrassed.
2. Getting dressed. Oh how I miss the days when you laid there like a little lump while I calmly got you dressed in the morning. Somehow, our morning routine has turned into me frantically chasing you around the house with a pair of shorts while you crack up with one arm dangling through a shirt-sleeve and one shoe on the wrong foot.
1. "Mama. Mama. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy." WHHHHAAAAT??
I do love you though. Really.
I do love you though. Really.
No comments:
Post a Comment