It’s 7:30 AM and I’m supposed to leave for Michigan today. Freaking out doesn’t describe what’s happening right now. As I type this, Mason’s eating his breakfast as he normally does, and it’s sinking in that I’m about to overturn everything he’s ever known as “normal”. I sat in the middle of the floor of my empty apartment last night for hours, trying to come to terms with the gravity of what I’m doing and how my decisions are affecting the lives of so many people. I tried to figure out the difference between being selfish and doing what I think is best.
The truth is, I don’t even know what I think is best anymore.I’m terrified that, someday, Mason’s going to resent me for my decisions.
The responsibility of shaping this little child into a person and the realization of how many opportunities I’m going to have to screw him up makes me sick to my stomach. George is taking this a lot better than I am, surprisingly. I think it was easier to get myself into the mindset to leave when he was angry. Now that he’s telling me to relax and that this really is all for the best, I feel like a horrible person because of what a good person I know he is. The selfish part of me wants to make sure I never miss a moment of Mason’s life. The other part knows that realistically, George deserves that just as much as I do.
1 comment:
sorry youre having such a hard time! I hope the move went well! Just remember you can always go home if it doesnt work out! We're all here for you! BIG HUG!
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